Freedom fighters, friends, and former lovers:
I assume you’ve had an eventful year. I certainly have.
In January, for example, I finally got to tour the U.S. Capitol building. In March, I made it down to Mar-a-Lago for an enchanting black-tie gala to celebrate the cucking of Jeff Bezos. Diamond and Silk had to help me back to my room at 4 a.m. (Wink, wink.) I ended up missing my flight to Mekelle the next day, but Jake Paul was kind enough to let me borrow his jet.
Over the summer, I made a small fortune trading meme stocks and proceeded to turn that small fortune into a metric buttload by playing the crypto markets and shorting Peloton. Easiest decision I’ve ever made. Riding a bicycle outdoors is bad enough, but at least I can still run you over with my car.
Unfortunately, after cashing out in August I was swindled by some losers on the dark web. It would seem that “Cuddle Skunk” and his associate “gRaNDAddY_p00N” were more than happy to pocket the $19.2 million I wired them for the “gently used MQ-9 Reaper Drone” they claimed to be selling, but weren’t as inclined to deliver the goods. “Dat ass d’Liewen,” as the saying goes.
By that point I desperately needed a vacation. After an exhilarating fortnight in Kabul, I shacked up with a TikTok babe in Paris. Her name started with a “C,” I think, but her content was always on fleek. We broke into Le Château d’Epstein and made love for days. The whole place reeked of hot sauce for some reason. I left without saying goodbye and eventually made it down to Saint-Tropez, where I caught a ride home on Joe Manchin’s other secret yacht, the No F—s Given.
The Tokyo Olympics sucked, by the way. Just wanted to get that off my chest. And don’t get me started on Afghanistan, it’s too depressing. We might not be living in the Islamic Republic of Obamastine anymore, but it sure does feel like America has gotten tired of winning. People keep asking me if I think Joe Biden is a bigger failure as president than Jimmy Carter. Probably, would be my answer, though I can’t really say for sure on account of all the Quaaludes I was on between 1975-1982. I remember smoking a cigar on a rooftop in Isfahan the night I heard that washed-up old hippie John Lennon got shot. That’s about it.
Merry Christmas, by the way. It feels so nice to be able to say that in public again. Enjoy it while you still can. The libs are getting desperate and would like nothing more than to impose their depraved “Science Daddy” BDSM fantasies on the rest of us. I’ve had every single godforsaken variant of the ChiCom clap. I can still bench 315. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad the libs decided to kill the #MeToo movement on behalf of President Dementia McGropeyhands and Gov. Nipples D’Alfredo. They can shut the hell up about everything else.
I have a few other thoughts about 2021, so I’m just going to list them below, if that’s alright with you.
• Is Hillary Clinton going to wait until Ghislaine Maxwell is convicted to snuff her out or what? I don’t understand the logic of delaying the inevitable. Granted, she’s not as spry as she used to be, but that didn’t stop her from sending Major the White House German Shepherd to “live in a quieter environment with family friends.”
• Too many perverts working at CNN these days. Even for a media company, that’s just ridiculous.
• Bosnian meat is the best meat. The mainstream media doesn’t want you to know this.
• I could be persuaded to get the vaccine if Donald Trump was personally involved in the process. I wouldn’t let him give me the shot but I’d definitely feel more comfortable if he was in the room and watching the whole time.
• These mask mandates have really messed with our heads. For example, I can’t stop congratulating strangers for having a “great mouth” when they remove their mask in my presence. I know how creepy it sounds, I just can’t help it. If they don’t take it off, I just keep trying to imagine what their mouth looks like underneath. It’s all I ever dream about these days. Surely I’m not the only one?
• I couldn’t have made it through the year without the following tunes: “Wildest Dreams (Taylor’s Version)” by Taylor Swift, “Permission to Dance (R&B Remix)” by BTS, “Thot Shit” by Megan Thee Stallion, and “Let Her Cry” by Hootie & The Blowfish.
• Vin Diesel is a living legend. At the age of 54, his virtuoso performance in F9 was a more impressive achievement than Tom Brady winning his seventh Super Bowl.
• If I hadn’t already lost almost $20 million on a dark web Reaper drone scheme, I’d pay at least that much to watch Jake Sullivan fight Jared Kushner in The Octagon.
• You don’t have to be a communist to admit that Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is a certified smokeshow, but Kyrsten Sinema has a prettier mouth and it’s not even close.
War and love,